youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
