Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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