I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
