I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
