Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
