Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
