I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My feet surprised me
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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