seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Randomize
