Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
