you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
