Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
