hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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