I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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