I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
