Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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