My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
