I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I cut my penus on the lid.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
