dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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