New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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