If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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