I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
