I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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