Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
