we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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