I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Randomize
