Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
