After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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