last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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