do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's official drugs can't kill me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
