i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
