How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
