Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
