Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
