Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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