i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
