$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
