are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
