Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
ttyl tear gas
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
