I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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