help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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