We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize
