When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
