I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
