pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm drive I can fine osifer
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
