i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
