If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
