he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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