I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
