If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
