It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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