okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
