why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
