Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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