hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
