yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
