help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
