Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
